Dear Jesus, I hope this letter finds you well. LOL. What did I say that for. It's because of you I am well. I just want to take a second to say some things to you that I know I should have said a long time ago. You are my everything. Everything I am, everything I have is only because of you. Thank you. I am writing this letter today to tell you how grateful I am. You know that situation I had three weeks ago. I'm talking about the one when life tried to leave my body but you shielded me with yours Yes, that one. It was at the very moment in that very hour I knew the true extent of your love for me. I must be honest though. Why? Why did you go that far for me? Why didn't you just remove yourself from the equation. My love, why did you want to keep me so badly. Do you really think I am that special? Do you really think I have something to offer? I just want to know. I want to know why do you keep investing so much in me and I continue to disappoint you? You know I am only used to people overextending themselves for me when they want something in return. I'll be honest, I can never repay you for that. I will never have enough money nor will I ever have enough breath to repay you. But, what I will do is always give you a good reference. I can stand and attest to the fact that you love the unlovable. Lord I know I have procrastinated with a lot of things but after nearly dying right in your arms and after feeling the warmth of your breath flowing across my body; I am ashamed. I deeply apologize to you for not using the talents and resources you have given me to be a blessing to others around me. I've always heard people say that you are a God of second chances; little did I know that one of my second chances would be to be able to live again. I have to admit my love, every time I think about the events of that day, my eyes wail with tears because I never could imagine that someone could love me so much. I want you to know that I am working on me. I am cleaning my house so that when you finally do arrive, I won't be concerned about the trash I leave behind. I want you to know that August 25, 2019 taught me the value of knowing who I am and whose I am. August 25, 2019 taught me that there is much work to be done. It also taught me how to stand against the wiles of the devil. You know what's actually funny about that situation is the people who were surrounding me that day, many of them haven't even reached out to me. But you, you have walked with me every day before, during and since then. Many of them my love have allowed their true color (green) to come to the fore front of what I thought was something different. But you my love, you have remained the same; and I just want to thank you. What is even more of a blessing from that experience is while I have not completely 100% arrived, I am on my way to true forgiveness. I am learning how to release people who were offended by something that was said or done to them, while I sit dying right before their eyes. I am amazed at the number of people who have stood in judgment of others whose hands and voice you were using to breathe and speak life back into me. What I am most appalling is the weeping and wailing that was done, only to turn into a venomous attack on my little fragile heart. In the past, I would have asked you why. This time, I'm not asking any questions my love. I am going to let you do what you need to do with me, for me, and through me. I am going to let the tears flow; and the hurt and the pain show. Why because if I hide where my struggles really are, someone might not believe me when I tell them it was you. It was you who breathed life back into my body on that day. I can go on and on about what that one act did for me. But, I don't want to bore you with all of the details. After all, you were there; and you know details I have yet to learn. So I thank you for the opportunity to be here; and I thank you for the opportunity to be there. I want you to know, this is not the last time you will hear from me. I am so filled with expectations of the things that are about to come through me that there is absolutely no way I will turn back now. Bless those God whose prayer for my demise was not answered on that day. Take them Lord to higher heights in you because right now, they can not handle what you are doing with me. I love you with all of my heart and I promise you my heart belongs to you, my one and only true king of kings. Until we talk again. I blow kisses up to you. If you have been following me from the onset of this project, you clearly are aware that there is no shame in my game. I'm not concerned about how people feel about me. It doesn't matter what you think of me. Other than walking in the favor of God, and doing what he has assigned me to do, the only other important thing in my life is me, me, and yes, me.
I've had my share and part of some other people's share of hurt, pain and disappointment; and like many, I've managed to cover it very well. On the outside I might add. You see, when you have internal injuries there is no way for those looking at us to know unless we tell them. Finally, I have decided it's time to be real. It's time to be transparent and it's time to stop hurting Tonia trying to please others. You all already know as much about me as there really is to tell. But, what you don't know is I have been holding inside a level of pain that is unimaginable. I try so hard to do the right things. Until this last encounter with someone who I thought was who they portrayed themselves to be until they whipped out the whammy on me. Honey when I tell you the green started pouring from their eyes onto my already fragile little heart, I had to quickly step back. You see, purple (royalty) is my favorite color; and green (envy) doesn't look good on me. In 50 years, I have never wanted to accept that someone is or can be jealous of me. What do I have? Who am I? Where am I going? Lord, forgive me. As I just wrote that statement, I heard the spirit of the Lord say to me you have everything you need to get from where you are to where I am taking you. You are my child and you are headed to your destiny. Thank you Jesus for confirmation of righteous living. Righteous living does not mean I am doing everything right; that would be perfect living. Righteous living is knowing, believing, and obeying the word of God; and if I may add, to the maximum extent humanly possible. The rest is left up to him. Therefore today, I am not ashamed to let you all know that no matter what I have going on in my life, I need the Lord. Just like the song says, "I can't even walk without him holding my hand"; and I want you to know that no matter how low I go, he is right there. Whether I lean left, he's there. Whether I lean right, he's there. It used to bother me when I wasn't accepted. It used to bother me when I was rejected. Even when I tried and got disappointed, it used to bother me. But now thanks be unto the might God I serve, it now rolls off my back like water on a duck's back. I'm trying to help someone. As long as you are good with God, that's all that matters. You see, God already knows where, where, how, why and to what extent we're going to mess us. So to hell with what other people may think. I make no apology for saying, "to hell with what other people may think." Why, because for an imperfect person to stand in judgment of another imperfect person is a trick of the enemy that comes directly from and can return directly to the pits of hell from which it originated. I am no longer ashamed to address issues as they arise. People are people and I can't help or change what they may say or do. But, what I can do with 100% certainty is control how I let it affect me. With that being said, I have shifted back to an old saying I used to have. Sometimes people irritate me so bad, "they just need to get got"; and if I am going to save my own mental health, guard my own life, and take back what the devil has stolen, some people will get got. Always remember, no matter how hard you try, there are some things in life that are inevitable; and one of those things is if you continue to try to hold things in a container that is already full, eventually it is going to pop. That's where I am right now; and that is why I have chosen to take the lid off and let some of the garbage out. My challenge for you today is that you do the same. Take care of yourself. You are the only you you have and nobody is going to love you like you love you. Dear God, I am writing this letter to you because I know you are the only one who can help me get through this. I want this pain to end. I'm tired of being frustrated with people and things that I know I can not control. For once in my life God, I just want to feel love. I want to have someone in my corner who is genuinely supporting me through my issues of life.
Is there anyone Lord who is willing to just listen to me. Anyone God who will just hear my heart. You know Lord without expecting anything in return. I know they exist and I know it's all in timing but God with everything I have going on right now; including my health, I just want to be loved. God please don't let me fall for the enemy's trick anymore. You know when he raises his head as to indicate there is genuine concern for me; and before you know it, I have fallen for his trick again. I know there is someone who understands what I am saying. I know someone reading this knows exactly how I feel; exactly what I am thinking. This my God is absolutely no disrespect to you but every now and then, the human touch is all I need. I know there is no one in this world who can love me like you. No one, who can make my life better than you. But every now and then, I want to be able to have mature adult conversation. So God, I am praying that you will send me a friend. Not just any friend Lord but a Godly friend. Not an intimate friend, Lord but a friend I can hang out with and do some things with sometimes. In spite of all of the trials I have had; and all of the things I have been through I can say overall, I am in a good place and I only have you to thank for that. Lord I ask that you will grant this same prayer to the person on the other side whose reading and feeling the same way. Let them know that it is alright to feel like we feel, as long as we don't do anything that is out of your will. So as I close this letter to you will you please honor my request? Will you please bring peace and happiness into my life? Will you God? Will you do it just for me? In Jesus name I ask. Amen! |
In Memory of: Charles T. Wilcox
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